Why Justin Bieber Won't Broadcast His Paternity Test Results on 'Maury'

Justin Bieber switches on the Christmas lights at Westfield London after entertaining the crowd with a live performance. Bieber was recently served with a paternity suit after a fan claimed Bieber is the father of her child. (Pacific Coast News)more pics In two weeks time, Justin Bieber will take a paternity test with the hope of proving he did not father Mariah Yeater's baby. And while talk-show host Maury Povich eagerly hopes to lure the pop sensation on to his program to share the earth-shattering results, there's really a snowball's chance in hell that will ever happen.

Did Justin Bieber father Mariah Yeater's baby? According to the vast majority of Zimbio readers, "no way." But admit it, you're still anxiously awaiting the results of the paternity test. (PacificCoastNews.com) Speaking to the Huffington Post, a spokesman for the Maury show explained that those involved with the popular daytime TV series have been "actively pursuing" Bieber. And by actively pursuing, we imagine they've been throwing wads of cash in front of his face, getting down on their knees! , and be gging like a 9-year-old boy who desperately wants a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas.

Needless to say, Bieber has yet to accept the offer. In fact, no one from the pop singer's camp has even commented on the story. Of course, that didn't stop a former executive producer of the show from discussing how fantastically amazing the completely improbable event would play out, if we lived in an alternate reality.

Amy Rosenblum explained the obvious to HuffPo: "This would be a huge TV event," she said. "Maury is trusted by millions of viewers and if Maury told Justin 'You are not the father,' everyone would believe it."

We imagine it playing out like the scene where Darth Vader announces he's Luke's father -- except, only with less dramatic music, and on live TV.

But here's the thing: Bieber will not go on Maury. It doesn't matter that the show has become synonymous with paternity tests in recent years. The pop star won't associate himself with a Jerry Springer knock-off series. Lest we forget, this is a program that once invited a woman to discuss the benefits of smelling your loved one's genitals to make sure he/she hasn't cheated on you. It's hardly an outlet for the second highest-paid celeb under 30.

That said, in the utterly unlikely event that Maury succeeds in his Jedi mind tricks and gets Bieber to appear on his show, we imagine it'll play out something like this:

See more photos of Justin Bieber here: